You’d think, wouldn’t you that Love should be easy? After all, what’s so hard? You meet someone, you click, you communicate, you get physically attracted, it’s like you’ve known each other for years and its only been ten hours and the romance has begun.
Its’ so so wonderful. She’s beautiful to you. He’s such a man. Her habits are so ‘cute’, his funny way of dressing is ‘quirky’, who cares that he snores or she leaves your kitchen in a mess, sex is wild and you are both having so much fun. And then….. like a bolt out of the blue, you begin to feel just a teensy bit like its all closing in on you. One minute it was fine and then she does something, he says something and it’s like you can’t breathe so easily, like you are losing connection even. You panic. You pull back a little. They advance. Now it’s getting tricky. You don’t answer their call, you continue to pull back, then they say that stomach churning line “I think we need to talk” and the honeymoon is officially over.
Why? Why does this have to happen and why does it have to happen to you?
Well, there is a very good reason and it all begins with the person you select (mostly unconsciously) to be in relationship with. You see, you are drawn to your perfect partner virtually all of the time, for however brief a time.
Here’s what I mean. When you meet someone you seem to connect with immediately, there is a familiarity - but you don’t generally know what’s so familiar. You do know that you seem to understand this person and they you. So you begin your romance.
They encourage you, and you encourage them. They wave your flag, you wave theirs. You hear the story of their past and maybe, just maybe you notice the similarities, maybe you don’t. And if you do, it just seems to connect you even more. And what you do know is that this seems perfect – almost too good to be true. (And you are of course right).
Now strangely enough, (or not), as you have both experienced ‘disconnection’, here’s what you might be discovering as you begin to open up to each other. You hear that their mother was not readily available to them and their father wasn’t either (but in a different way to mum). Funnily enough your mother wasn’t always there for you either and as for your father, pretty similar experience (even if your family was related to royalty and her family were factory workers). The story itself matters a whole lot less than the fact that there was a disconnect between you and your chief carers.
The problem is that if you felt emotionally disconnected from your parents at certain stages in your life, the pain of their unavailability stays engraved upon your DNA. It serves as your personal alarm system to remind you how important it is to protect yourself against any future pain that looks or feels anything like the pain you experienced during that disconnection. And by the way, that ‘disconnection’ could be anything from not being there for you, not available for you, judging you, not seeing who you are or understanding you or anything else you can think of or have experienced that disconnected you from them. (And again, by the way, it was not their fault and we’ll discuss that another time).
Getting back to your lover and you. At some point in your relationship, one of you allows yourself to move closer emotionally. When this happens all kinds of buttons are pushed. Anything from “I’d better not get too close because I’ll be hurt when they leave”, or “there’s no way I can give them what they need because I wasn’t given what I needed”. Or ‘men leave or betray you or women leave or betray you’. Or “they’ll reject or abandon me so I’ll do it first and avoid getting hurt”. Or “I won’t connect at all and then I can just have fun, avoid hurting anyone else or myself and tell myself that I’m just not cut out for relationship” and then one of you seems to be pulling back and you simply don’t understand it.
Now sadly most of these conclusions are drawn unconsciously and yet the feelings they evoke are tangible in your present day life. You feel differently. You experience the relationship differently. It’s no longer easy and free flowing, now it’s more demanding of you and you begin to disconnect.
This wonderful romance is now on the decline. Sometimes you or they leave. Sometimes it’s a back and forth for a while, but rarely is the root of the problem fully explored or understood.
What a terrible shame because if you could have understood it and both of you had the intention of giving it your best shot to understanding it, you would begin to see what perfect partners you really are. Finding each other and starting your relationship was inevitable. Yes, I know you meet so many people every day but the ones you are attracted to are the ones perfect for your personal growth.
If you could work out what was going on with each other, you would discover that the push and pull of the relationship was exactly what you needed to learn to safely connect, without fear and with enough space to breathe and in a way that could be sustainable. You would have a chance of being with this wonderful person who you laughed with, made passionate love to, could talk with for hours and who ticked most of your boxes. You would then be able to connect from your heart.
But no one tells you this stuff do they?
Up till now. Because I have a toolkit of special skills with my clinical training and finding new ways to work with age-old problems. Do you find it hard to get connect or get disconnected or does it feel like you can connect but they can’t. Do you get into relationships that end before they have had time to begin or are you in a relationship that has a push, pull quality to it? If you recognize any of these experiences, then I can help you right now.
From my heart to yours,